The loss of my blueberry ...

It has been a long time, too long, since my last blog.  So much has happened … 

At the beginning of May, I found out I was pregnant.  HOORAY!!!  I had so many emotions, mostly sheer joy, but there was some fear, trepidation and disbelief peppered in.  After so many years of trying, I just couldn’t believe that I would FINALLY be a mommy! I had gotten so used to the idea of it not happening that I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea “I am pregnant.” I felt like I was talking about someone else.  I also felt that if I got too excited, I would wake myself up and discover that it had all been a dream.

Right away I had the feeling that something wasn’t right.  I tried to chalk it up to my nerves and apprehension, but I couldn’t shake the feeling.  I was spotting from the very start.  I don’t know how many people tried to alleviate my fears by telling me that spotting is normal.  But I knew … I think this is another reason that I didn’t allow myself to get too excited.  I started building my walls and getting myself ready for the inevitable.  Please, don’t misunderstand me.  I REALLY wanted to be wrong.  I didn’t want to lose this baby.  I wanted and prayed hard that God would perform a miracle.  I wanted with all my heart and soul to have this pregnancy work.  I have always wanted to be a mom more than anything.  I want everything that comes with it.  I want all the sweet hugs and kisses.  I want all the tantrums and eye rolling.  I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I long to have my home filled with noise, toys and chaos.  I want to see them grow and take on the world, with all the successes and failures that come with that.  

There are a lot of details that I could go into about this doctor appointment or that doctor appointment.  However, none of it matters all that much.  The many doctor’s appointments and many ultrasounds all amounted to one thing.  My baby wasn’t growing properly and it was only a matter of time before I lost it.

I don’t know sometimes where some people draw their strength from.  I can only speak to my own experiences.  I tried to prepare myself for the coming loss.  But there never is any way to prepare your mind or your heart for death.  And yes, this was a death.  I believe life happens at conception.  This was far more than a bundle of cells to me.  This was a human being, with a soul, my baby.  And for whatever reason, God decided it was time for this baby to be called home, back to heaven.  I was heartbroken.  However, I took enormous solace in knowing that my baby is with Jesus.  I may never get to put my earthly arms around my baby, but one day I will get to meet my little blueberry.  I never got to hear my baby’s heart beat.  I never got to feel my baby kick.  I will never feel any of this with this baby because it went home to be with Jesus.

There are times when I can’t help but feel the unfairness of the whole situation.  At the same time, I know that there is something to learn and gain from all of this that will only make me stronger.  I am fortunate that I have a very strong support system around me.  I also know that God has not abandoned me.  While I don’t understand, I see His hand all over this situation.  I can already see several good things that have come from all of this.  First and foremost, it has deepened my relationship with God.  I have learned how much easier things can be if I lay it all at His feet.  All things are possible with God, Because God is limitless.  Second, it has brought Casey and me closer together.  He has been more than amazing through all this.  My husband’s deep abiding love for me was more evident than ever.  I am incredibly blessed.  Another blessing through all this is that I watched Casey ready his heart for a child and he did not shrink from his responsibilities.  And last but not least, all this has given me the opportunity to allow God to work through me for His glory.  I really hope that I have been able to be a good testimony for God’s love.  

I am still working through the loss of my baby.  And it is a hard thing, but it gets easier every day.  I have good days and I have bad days, and I will get through each and every day with reassurance that there is a reason, and a purpose.  And no matter what, I know that regardless if I have babies or not that God has blessed me more abundantly than I deserve.