Lessons That Sting

I am bad about this; I constantly fill myself with terrible negative self-talk.  Therefore, you would think that when I actually find out something less than pleasant about myself that it would not surprise me in the least.  However, I was shocked when God revealed something to me that I have been struggling with.  I have to say the revelation I made about myself stung.  I felt ashamed, sad, and I knew that it made perfect sense.  

I learned some very important lessons though this whole situation though.  The first lesson that I learned was to stop the negative self-talk.  I don’t fully believe all the negatives I tell myself in the first place, so why would I continue doing this, and allow myself to erode my own self esteem?  I have started replacing the negatives with God’s promises.  No more, “You are so stupid!”  “You are worthless.”  Instead, “You are loved with a measure beyond compare!”  “You are redeemed!”  “You aren’t perfect, forgive yourself, God has.”  “God has a perfect plan and purpose for you, trust Him and obey.”  I still slip up, but I have to remember that I am a flawed person.  I have to pick myself up and keep going forward. 

I also learned that it is important to listen.  God’s voice is present; we just get so full and busy that we drown out His voice.  I also learned that what was revealed to me is fixable, and is within my control, through forgiveness and love, if I put my ego away. 

An attempt to be transparent ...

This is extremely difficult for me to write, and I am very nervous posting this.  However, I feel the need for transparency because I would like to be a blessing to someone else going through a difficult time if I can.  

I haven’t written a word for a very long time.  I wasn’t ready to open up my heart about all that has happened; the wound that my miscarriage left was too deep to face.  And when I was finally ready to face it, I didn’t know where to start.  

I have been in a very dark place for some time now.  I hate admitting that.  The anger and sadness and hopelessness have been … overwhelming.  Intermingled with all of those feelings of anger, sadness and hopelessness is the fear that because I am feeling these things, that I somehow trust God less.  It is such a jumbled and confused thing to be inside my head.  I am angry that I am thirty two and have lost three babies.  I am sad every time I think of the futures they could have had.  I feel discouraged when I think of my future.  I am relentlessly weighed down; my heart aches and is heavy with my loss.  For me it isn’t just the babies that have left me behind here on this earth that I mourn.  I mourn every time a month passes and I am not pregnant.  I mourn every time I get a negative on a pregnancy test.  This has been happening for six years now.  Six years of anguish.  Six years of waiting and not knowing when my prayers will be answered and the waiting will end.  

I have to trust God’s plan.  However, trusting God’s plan is a constant struggle for me.   And yet, I know the very real way God has comforted me and held me through the countless tears that have been shed this last year.  I felt how he put my heart back together for me through His Word.  I see how He has deepened my relationship with my husband through this.  So, I know that His plan for me is one of love.  I have confidence that He is working all things together for my good.  I am working very hard to trust Him.  My prayer this last year has been 2 Corinthians 12:9 (But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.) Yet all too frequently I feel as if I am failing Him daily.  I am not being a good enough witness; I am not resting in Him enough.  I thank the Lord that He loves me despite my failing flesh.  

So, I will keep praying and waiting for an answer.  Even if it is an answer that I don’t like, I know that it will be okay because the Lord will carry me through to the next chapter of His plan for me.  And I will continue to seek my joy in Him.