It has been a long time, too long, since my last blog. So much has happened …
At the beginning of May, I found out I was pregnant. HOORAY!!!
I had so many emotions, mostly sheer joy, but there was some fear,
trepidation and disbelief peppered in.
After so many years of trying, I just couldn’t believe that I would
FINALLY be a mommy! I had gotten so used to the idea of it not happening that I
just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea “I am pregnant.” I felt like I was
talking about someone else. I also felt
that if I got too excited, I would wake myself up and discover that it had all
been a dream.
Right away I had the feeling that something wasn’t
right. I tried to chalk it up to my
nerves and apprehension, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I was spotting from the very start. I don’t know how many people tried to
alleviate my fears by telling me that spotting is normal. But I knew … I think this is another reason
that I didn’t allow myself to get too excited.
I started building my walls and getting myself ready for the
inevitable. Please, don’t misunderstand
me. I REALLY wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to lose this baby. I wanted and prayed hard that God would
perform a miracle. I wanted with all my
heart and soul to have this pregnancy work.
I have always wanted to be a mom more than anything. I want everything that comes with it. I want all the sweet hugs and kisses. I want all the tantrums and eye rolling. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I long to have my home filled with noise,
toys and chaos. I want to see them grow
and take on the world, with all the successes and failures that come with
that.
There are a lot of details that I could go into about this
doctor appointment or that doctor appointment.
However, none of it matters all that much. The many doctor’s appointments and many
ultrasounds all amounted to one thing.
My baby wasn’t growing properly and it was only a matter of time before
I lost it.
I don’t know sometimes where some people draw their strength
from. I can only speak to my own experiences. I tried to prepare myself for the coming
loss. But there never is any way to
prepare your mind or your heart for death.
And yes, this was a death. I
believe life happens at conception. This
was far more than a bundle of cells to me.
This was a human being, with a soul, my baby. And for whatever reason, God decided it was
time for this baby to be called home, back to heaven. I was heartbroken. However, I took enormous solace in knowing
that my baby is with Jesus. I may never get
to put my earthly arms around my baby, but one day I will get to meet my little
blueberry. I never got to hear my baby’s
heart beat. I never got to feel my baby
kick. I will never feel any of this with
this baby because it went home to be with Jesus.
There are times when I can’t help but feel the unfairness of
the whole situation. At the same time, I
know that there is something to learn and gain from all of this that will only
make me stronger. I am fortunate that I
have a very strong support system around me.
I also know that God has not abandoned me. While I don’t understand, I see His hand all
over this situation. I can already see
several good things that have come from all of this. First and foremost, it has deepened my
relationship with God. I have learned
how much easier things can be if I lay it all at His feet. All things are possible with God, Because God
is limitless. Second, it has brought
Casey and me closer together. He has
been more than amazing through all this.
My husband’s deep abiding love for me was more evident than ever. I am incredibly blessed. Another blessing through all this is that I
watched Casey ready his heart for a child and he did not shrink from his
responsibilities. And last but not
least, all this has given me the opportunity to allow God to work through me
for His glory. I really hope that I have
been able to be a good testimony for God’s love.
I am still working through the loss of my
baby. And it is a hard thing, but it
gets easier every day. I have good days
and I have bad days, and I will get through each and every day with reassurance
that there is a reason, and a purpose. And
no matter what, I know that regardless if I have babies or not that God has
blessed me more abundantly than I deserve.
