Refreshment

What refreshes you? What soothes your soul and makes you feel at peace? What makes you feel alive?

Nothing does this more for me than the Pacific Ocean. Nothing rejuvenates me as much as having that icy water lick at my feet. As soon as I hit that sand, everything melts away. There is something humbling and wild about the ocean that puts everything happening with me into perspective. There is no place that I feel closer to God than sitting and watching his handmade creation.

I could live on the beach, just spending all of my time watching waves roll in and out, pushing and pulling their way to and from the shore. It overwhelms me watching the ocean rise up, unified, pushing towards its goal. I look at the sand and wonder how long that rock stood its ground before the waves relentlessly beat them to pieces and eventually crumbled them into a fine powder.. As I sit and feel the wind that is the driving force behind those waves, I wonder what most people's driving force is. Are they pushed along? Are they relentless because they want to be, or are they pushed by a force that they aren't even aware of, like the wind pushing the waves.

I think I go between the rock being beat to pieces and the waves doing the beating. I take so much comfort in the knowledge that no matter what, I am being pushed by my Lord. That whether I can feel the wind at my back or not, it is there driving me. I really don't want to be broken into a million pieces. Sometimes it is necessary to become sand so you can go on to be something different, better, and useful.

I try and remind myself that the sand may be broken rocks, but the ocean failed to destroy what it is at its very essence when I am having a hard day. God is using that sand to form beautiful beaches. I want Him to use my brokenness to make something beautiful as well.

Lessons That Sting

I am bad about this; I constantly fill myself with terrible negative self-talk.  Therefore, you would think that when I actually find out something less than pleasant about myself that it would not surprise me in the least.  However, I was shocked when God revealed something to me that I have been struggling with.  I have to say the revelation I made about myself stung.  I felt ashamed, sad, and I knew that it made perfect sense.  

I learned some very important lessons though this whole situation though.  The first lesson that I learned was to stop the negative self-talk.  I don’t fully believe all the negatives I tell myself in the first place, so why would I continue doing this, and allow myself to erode my own self esteem?  I have started replacing the negatives with God’s promises.  No more, “You are so stupid!”  “You are worthless.”  Instead, “You are loved with a measure beyond compare!”  “You are redeemed!”  “You aren’t perfect, forgive yourself, God has.”  “God has a perfect plan and purpose for you, trust Him and obey.”  I still slip up, but I have to remember that I am a flawed person.  I have to pick myself up and keep going forward. 

I also learned that it is important to listen.  God’s voice is present; we just get so full and busy that we drown out His voice.  I also learned that what was revealed to me is fixable, and is within my control, through forgiveness and love, if I put my ego away. 

An attempt to be transparent ...

This is extremely difficult for me to write, and I am very nervous posting this.  However, I feel the need for transparency because I would like to be a blessing to someone else going through a difficult time if I can.  

I haven’t written a word for a very long time.  I wasn’t ready to open up my heart about all that has happened; the wound that my miscarriage left was too deep to face.  And when I was finally ready to face it, I didn’t know where to start.  

I have been in a very dark place for some time now.  I hate admitting that.  The anger and sadness and hopelessness have been … overwhelming.  Intermingled with all of those feelings of anger, sadness and hopelessness is the fear that because I am feeling these things, that I somehow trust God less.  It is such a jumbled and confused thing to be inside my head.  I am angry that I am thirty two and have lost three babies.  I am sad every time I think of the futures they could have had.  I feel discouraged when I think of my future.  I am relentlessly weighed down; my heart aches and is heavy with my loss.  For me it isn’t just the babies that have left me behind here on this earth that I mourn.  I mourn every time a month passes and I am not pregnant.  I mourn every time I get a negative on a pregnancy test.  This has been happening for six years now.  Six years of anguish.  Six years of waiting and not knowing when my prayers will be answered and the waiting will end.  

I have to trust God’s plan.  However, trusting God’s plan is a constant struggle for me.   And yet, I know the very real way God has comforted me and held me through the countless tears that have been shed this last year.  I felt how he put my heart back together for me through His Word.  I see how He has deepened my relationship with my husband through this.  So, I know that His plan for me is one of love.  I have confidence that He is working all things together for my good.  I am working very hard to trust Him.  My prayer this last year has been 2 Corinthians 12:9 (But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.) Yet all too frequently I feel as if I am failing Him daily.  I am not being a good enough witness; I am not resting in Him enough.  I thank the Lord that He loves me despite my failing flesh.  

So, I will keep praying and waiting for an answer.  Even if it is an answer that I don’t like, I know that it will be okay because the Lord will carry me through to the next chapter of His plan for me.  And I will continue to seek my joy in Him.

The loss of my blueberry ...

It has been a long time, too long, since my last blog.  So much has happened … 

At the beginning of May, I found out I was pregnant.  HOORAY!!!  I had so many emotions, mostly sheer joy, but there was some fear, trepidation and disbelief peppered in.  After so many years of trying, I just couldn’t believe that I would FINALLY be a mommy! I had gotten so used to the idea of it not happening that I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea “I am pregnant.” I felt like I was talking about someone else.  I also felt that if I got too excited, I would wake myself up and discover that it had all been a dream.

Right away I had the feeling that something wasn’t right.  I tried to chalk it up to my nerves and apprehension, but I couldn’t shake the feeling.  I was spotting from the very start.  I don’t know how many people tried to alleviate my fears by telling me that spotting is normal.  But I knew … I think this is another reason that I didn’t allow myself to get too excited.  I started building my walls and getting myself ready for the inevitable.  Please, don’t misunderstand me.  I REALLY wanted to be wrong.  I didn’t want to lose this baby.  I wanted and prayed hard that God would perform a miracle.  I wanted with all my heart and soul to have this pregnancy work.  I have always wanted to be a mom more than anything.  I want everything that comes with it.  I want all the sweet hugs and kisses.  I want all the tantrums and eye rolling.  I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I long to have my home filled with noise, toys and chaos.  I want to see them grow and take on the world, with all the successes and failures that come with that.  

There are a lot of details that I could go into about this doctor appointment or that doctor appointment.  However, none of it matters all that much.  The many doctor’s appointments and many ultrasounds all amounted to one thing.  My baby wasn’t growing properly and it was only a matter of time before I lost it.

I don’t know sometimes where some people draw their strength from.  I can only speak to my own experiences.  I tried to prepare myself for the coming loss.  But there never is any way to prepare your mind or your heart for death.  And yes, this was a death.  I believe life happens at conception.  This was far more than a bundle of cells to me.  This was a human being, with a soul, my baby.  And for whatever reason, God decided it was time for this baby to be called home, back to heaven.  I was heartbroken.  However, I took enormous solace in knowing that my baby is with Jesus.  I may never get to put my earthly arms around my baby, but one day I will get to meet my little blueberry.  I never got to hear my baby’s heart beat.  I never got to feel my baby kick.  I will never feel any of this with this baby because it went home to be with Jesus.

There are times when I can’t help but feel the unfairness of the whole situation.  At the same time, I know that there is something to learn and gain from all of this that will only make me stronger.  I am fortunate that I have a very strong support system around me.  I also know that God has not abandoned me.  While I don’t understand, I see His hand all over this situation.  I can already see several good things that have come from all of this.  First and foremost, it has deepened my relationship with God.  I have learned how much easier things can be if I lay it all at His feet.  All things are possible with God, Because God is limitless.  Second, it has brought Casey and me closer together.  He has been more than amazing through all this.  My husband’s deep abiding love for me was more evident than ever.  I am incredibly blessed.  Another blessing through all this is that I watched Casey ready his heart for a child and he did not shrink from his responsibilities.  And last but not least, all this has given me the opportunity to allow God to work through me for His glory.  I really hope that I have been able to be a good testimony for God’s love.  

I am still working through the loss of my baby.  And it is a hard thing, but it gets easier every day.  I have good days and I have bad days, and I will get through each and every day with reassurance that there is a reason, and a purpose.  And no matter what, I know that regardless if I have babies or not that God has blessed me more abundantly than I deserve.

I miss my sister ...

I miss my sister.  I keep seeing and experiencing things that break my heart over and over again wishing I could drop by and see her and give her a hug.  My sister, Kristy, lives in Colorado and I live in Nevada.  It is a twelve hour drive between us.  I know that really isn’t that much, but it feels like it might as well be 12 days away.  Flying may cut the travel time down, but it isn’t ideal because of the cost.  So, we don’t get to just stop by, or meet up for coffee.  We are very limited in our time together.  Whenever we are near each other we have other family members that want to see us too.  So, we don’t get to have it be just the two of us very often.

I did not fully appreciate having a sister when I was younger.  We are nine years apart in age.  She was someone I took care of, not someone that I could rely on.  However, over the years, I have watched her grow up, and I have had to adjust to the role we have in each other’s lives.  She is now someone that I can not only rely on, but I need her.  I have to admit, sometimes when my sister-in-law Megan talks about her adventures with her sister Rebekah, I feel cheated that I didn’t get to have that kind of relationship with Kristy.  If we had been closer in age we’d have all kinds of adventurous tales.  But on the flip side, we would’ve killed each other. :)  

Now when I think about my sister, I see a gorgeous woman, who is an amazing fiancée (wife) and mother.  I wish I could be more like her in many ways.  She is courageous, and kind, and she speaks her mind.  She is charismatic, super funny and witty.  And man oh man, can she cook!  She is über organized, and she is probably one of the most creative people I know.  She is far from perfect (which she might argue with), but she makes up for it by being nothing but herself.  

I am regularly surprised by how much pride and love I feel for her when I think of her.  Even as I type this I find myself struggling not to cry.  She will probably never understand just how far I would go to help her, and protect her.  When she hurts, I hurt.  When she is happy, my heart sings with joy.  And nothing pleases me more than seeing her with her son, Ace.  She is doing such a good job making sure that he is contented, confident and uniquely Ace.  

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, and pray for her and her sweet little family.  At least once a week I wish I could stop by her house just to hug her.   She can always comfort me, make me laugh, and there are never any pretensions.  She is my Krispie, my sissy.  And no matter what, even if we are fighting, there is never an offense great enough to come between us.  We just yell it out and are done with it.   

I only have two wishes for our relationship; one is that we could live nearer to each other.  The other wish is that she would quit worrying about making me worry.  I want to help carry her burden.  I want her to be sure that I would drop everything in a heartbeat to be there for her. Because that’s what sisters do.     

No matter what happens in our lives, what mistakes we each make, we will have each other’s backs.  She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  And I have been blessed not only to have her in my life, but to have the privilege to call her sister. 

Where is my focus? Where is my heart?

My goodness!  I needed an attitude adjustment today!

It started yesterday afternoon, being angry with myself for not using my brain.  Then continuously having the error in my decision pointed out to me.  Those who were “pointing out” my error were only suggesting solutions to a situation and were trying to be helpful.  However in their help, it felt like my lapse in judgment was being rubbed in my face.   I knew then and now that my reaction was me being overly sensitive, and my pride was hurt.  But I couldn’t seem to shake the funk that the whole situation put me in.  I thought sleep would help.

Sleep didn’t help in the slightest.  I woke up this morning feeling the exact same way I was feeling yesterday afternoon.  Blech!  I really don’t like it when that happens.  And, to top it off, I woke up late.  So, feeling sorry for myself, and in a hurry, I left for work.  Every step I took this morning was the wrong one!

I get to work, and I snapped at co-workers, and just sort of stewed in my crabbiness.  Then I saw my Pastor’s wife Rebekah posted this verse on Facebook: Galatians 6:7 “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”  *SMACK* It felt like I had just been smacked upside my head with a “Knock it off, Lisa!”  Where was my focus?  Where was my heart?  It was certainly not on my Lord, where it should be.

I let my focus waiver for just a moment, and the repercussions were … well let’s just say, I’m glad that God was able to get my attention quickly.  I was being REEEEEDICULOUS!   

 So, if anyone reading this was in anyway harmed, offended, or even slightly irritated with my attitude … I sincerely apologize.  :)

Open doors ...

So, it has been a little while.  I have been busy, busy, busy!  

I wanted to tell of my latest adventure.  It all started when I went to Sacramento with my husband Casey, my brother Jake, and my sister (in-law) Megan.  We went to the zoo, to old Sacramento, and finished our day at the Rock and Worship Roadshow.  

Now, a little background, I have been praying for a little time now that God would open doors for me if it is His will for me to go back to school, and if it is not His will, then to take the desire away.  The desire has been growing and not going away.

So, back to the story.  While we are at the show/concert in Sacramento, between bands they are advertising Grand Canyon University (GCU).  They have a campus in Phoenix, and they do a lot of online stuff.  I didn’t think much about it, except, maybe I should grab their info on the way out.  Jake wanted to get some Hawk Nelson concert paraphernalia, and suggested I go with him to check out the GCU table. 

Now, I only intended to grab some information, and check out prices and degree programs offered.  They asked me to fill out a little information card.  I thought it wouldn’t hurt if I had a representative call me.  So, I filled it out.  

A week and a half to two weeks later, a very nice enrollment counselor from GCU called me.  She was calling to arrange a trip to Phoenix to visit the campus.  Now, if you are anything like me, you just did a double take.  Yes, they didn’t want to talk to me about their school on the phone, they wanted to talk in person.  They were offering to fly me (and 200 ish other students) to Phoenix, pick me up from the airport, feed me, and give me a tour of the campus.  Amazing, right!?!  I kept asking this poor girl over and over again, “Are you sure there aren’t ANY fees that I need to pay?”  Every time she reassured me that they were footing the entire bill.

I know I wasn’t alone when I entered this whole thing with extreme caution.  What is the catch?  None, there was no catch.  This is a privately owned Christian University.  They believe in the Truth.  They believe in the Gospel.  They help the community it tremendous ways, and they wanted to reach out to Christians across the country and show them that there is a legitimate University that teaches not from a secular worldview, but from a Christian view.  They are accredited, and they offer degree programs that are useful, and will put more Christians into high demand fields.  

I didn’t know any of this as I boarded the plane on March 28th to go to Phoenix though. I had a girlfriend ask me if I was positive I wasn’t walking into a sex slavery kidnapping plot.  To be honest I didn’t know.  I made sure my husband got forwarded every email and knew my whereabouts, just in case …  When I got to Phoenix they rounded us up and took us in small groups to campus.  My small group climbed in an Escalade and traversed the terrifying Phoenix traffic.  On the way we learned that GCU only has 4,500 students on campus, but 40,000 students online.  I also learned that it is considered one of the top online Christian schools (http://www.christian-universities.net/top-christian-universities/).  So far, I’m really impressed. 

 

Once we got onto campus we checked in and got to our assigned seats, we learned that every potential student was assigned an individual mentor, of whom we could ask our questions.  This was just getting better and better.  The campus tour (given by the dean of the college you were planning on going into) showed us a small but beautiful campus.  We also were able to meet the head of the master’s degree counseling program.  She went over the practicum portion of the degree, and talked about different fields we could use our degrees in. And they were very, very encouraging.  Which was super helpful. 

Now, I don’t want to get too bogged down in the details of the day.  But suffice it to say that everywhere I turned there was someone available and willing to answer any question I had.  Everyone was friendly.  So friendly in fact, that I thought that maybe they were planning on harming us somehow after all.  (Side note: I find it really sad that I was so suspicious of people just because they smiled a lot and were nice.)  

I learned that I don’t need to take my GRE or anything of that sort to get in.  They only do one class at a time, but the classes are accelerated.  What that means: one class goes from 4-8 weeks.  They gave me an estimated total of $30K, which includes their eBooks – did I mention everything is paperless?  Now, that is a lot of money, but really you would pay that for a master’s degree anywhere.  And I can do all of this online, at my leisure. 

All of this is leading up to me thinking that this is very impressive.  I went into the adventure thinking, I’ll have an open mind, but I don’t know if ultimately this will be the place for me, but hey I get a free trip.  However, now … I’m thinking this is God answering that prayer for open doors.  The only thing to figure out is if we can financially afford to go down this road.  I know God will provide, but I still can’t approach this like a dummy.  

I’m really excited, and scared.  This would be a HUGE step, and I don’t know if I can do this.  But I feel so led, like this is what is supposed to happen.  Casey is still taking this matter under consideration.  This would be a huge change for not only me, but for him as well.  He would give up a lot of time with me, and it is a huge financial undertaking.  And what I want to do … there probably won’t be a lot of financial returns on it.  So, I understand why Casey needs to carefully go over what he thinks should happen.  And I think it goes without saying, that whatever he decides, I will be okay with.  If he says no, that isn’t a “no” forever, he might just feel that this may not be the right time for our family to take on this endeavor.  If he says yes, then I would be the only one standing in the way.

Whatever decision is made, it was still an exciting little adventure, wherein I met a lot of incredibly nice people, the prospect of going back to school turned into a reality, and I know what kind of options I have.  Hooray for the terrifying/exciting reality of school!